Veteran Guy
Veteran Guy is an episode of Family Guy. Synopsis Peter's punishment for pretending to be a veteran is to join the army and do all the things in real life that he lied about doing before. Plot TBA Characters Major Roles *Peter Griffin *Glenn Quagmire *Cleveland Brown *Joe Swanson *Floyd Ridges *Evil Frat Boys Minor Roles *Lois Griffin *Chris Griffin *Stewie Griffin *Brian Griffin *Ida Davis *Judge Blackman *Eric Dane *The Sub-Mariner *Aquaman *Jerome Cool J (Cameo) *Donna Tubbs-Brown (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Cleveland Brown Jr. (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Roberta Tubbs (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Rallo Tubbs (Non-Speaking Cameo) *Jim Henson (Mentioned) Quotes :Peter: Ah, the Aiwa double-tape deck. The Waldorf and Statler of every thrift store. :double tape compartments open and close, like they're talking :Waldorf: Sheesh. Everything at this store is an old, outdated piece of junk. :Statler: Yeah. They're perfect for these customers. ---- :Peter: Jim Henson died of treatable pneumonia. ---- :Brown-Tubbs Family walks into the Quahog Thrift Store and spots The Griffin Family :Cleveland: Oh, crap! People we know! You know the drill. :Brown-Tubbs Family takes off all their clothes and Cleveland gives them to the cashier :Cleveland: We're donating. Not buying. chuckles Just doing our part to give back to the community. the cashier I'm gunna go wait in the alley. Could you just ball them up and throw them out the window? ---- :is wearing Roberta's tube top :Quagmire: Cleveland, what the hell are you wearing? :Cleveland: The store cashier must have lost my mustard yellow shirt. :enters, wearing his veteran hat :Quagmire: Aaaand here comes another one. ---- :Peter: This is why I serve. :Eric Dane: You were on The U.S.S. Nathan James? :Peter: Yes, sir! Boats. Military. Sir. :Eric Dane: The Nathan James is the fictitious ship on The Last Ship. :Peter: What? No. No, this is real. That show must just be based off of this. :Eric Dane: Uh, no it's not. The Last Ship is a show based off of a fictional novel, featuring completely made-up characters and situations. :Quagmire: And how would you know all this? :Eric Dane: Excuse me, stewardess! These guys aren't really vets! They're imposters! :Stewardess: You mean they weren't really on The Nathan James? :Eric Dane: Hell no! That's a fictional boat from a fictional show on TNT, starring Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims ... and Eric Dane. :Cleveland: Uh-oh. :Quagmire: That's how he knows all this. ---- :overhead bins imitate Waldorf and Statler :Waldorf: :Statler: ---- :Ida: You made a mockery of our whole family, Glenn! Now everywhere I go, it's like people are staring at me and whispering! ---- :Judge Blackman: In view of your long service to comedy, I'm willing to offer a deal. :Cleveland: What kind of deal? :Judge Blackman: I'll wave the charges, but only on the condition that like your friend, Quagmire, you men enlist in the military for real. You three have the join The Marines! :gasps, except Quagmire :Peter: horrified Oh my God! We could be killed! Please no! :Quagmire: Uh, your honor? It's actually The Navy that I was part of. :Judge Blackman: I ... What's the difference? :Quagmire: The Navy is the one in the water. The Marines is the one in the air above the water. :Judge Blackman: Oh. I see. Scratch that! You three have to join The Navy! :gasps, except Quagmire :Peter: horrified Oh my God! We could be killed! Please no! :Judge Blackman: Alright, how 'bout The Coast Guard? :Peter: Yeah, that's fine. ---- :Ida: Glenn, if you were half the man I used to be, you'd stand up and join them. ---- :Floyd: Good morning, recruits. Welcome to The Coast Guard. :Quagmire: Sir, when do we report for basic training, sir? :Floyd: Hey, what's with the "sir" stuff? This is just the coast guard. You can just call me Floyd Ridges. ---- :Floyd: Raise your right hand as I recite The Coast Guard pledge. When you're here, you're family. :Joe: Isn't that the slogan for- :Floyd: WE HAD IT FIRST! ---- :Cleveland: Spring break on the land not the water not the air above the water! ---- :Chris: Wait, dad. Before you go. Can you teach me how to shave? :Peter: Well, for starters, bub. That's supposed to be on your pubes. You got a secret inch hiding under there. :Chris: This is what I'll be missing. ---- :honks outside :Peter: Well, that's an unrelated car honking, but I'm gunna go now. ---- :Joe: Fort Lauderdale, Florida, where all the art in all the dentists offices come from. ---- :The Sub-Mariner: I told you guys, I'm not Aquaman. I am The Sub-Mariner. :Joe: What's your deal? :The Sub-Mariner: I'm just like Aquaman, but I can't get fish to do things. :Cleveland: That's the big thing! :Peter: Isn't that all Aquaman does? :The Sub-Mariner: No. :Joe: Yeah, that's like saying I'm like Spiderman, just without the spider powers. :The Sub-Mariner: No! He can also breathe underwater and he's strong like me! :Joe: Isn't everyone strong in the superhero universe? :Cleveland: Yeah, especially underwater. A regular human being is strong underwater. :The Sub-Mariner: No! No! Not like me! I can punch a big octopus a really long way! :Peter: That's not very nice. :The Sub-Mariner: An EVIL octopus! :Peter: Still, punching is a generic attack. :Cleveland: Aquaman could just mind-control the octopus into being good. :Peter: Now, that's creative. You should be more like Aquaman. :enters :Aquaman: Hey, guys! Now, I'm no master of marco polo, but when I was underwater, I think I hear someone call my name! :Joe, and Cleveland cheer for Aquaman :Peter: Aquaman, we were just talking to your less-successful Marvel clone. :Aquaman: Yuck. Marvel. :Peter: I know, right? :Cleveland: Hey, make a fish do something! :Aquaman: Aw, shucks, guys. I don't know. I guess I could do something like ... this! :controls a bunch of sea creatures to do something really cool :Peter: Wow. A real superhero. Isn't it cool to see one here, The Sub-Mariner? :The Sub-Mariner: I ... I have little wings on my feet! :Peter: Uh, it-it, it shh, shh, kay? It's over. It's over. ---- :Evil Frat Boy #1: Are we ready to attack!? :Evil Frat Boy #2: We are! And many people will die! :Peter: Oh no! Those evil frat boys are planning to kill spring break! And they only had time to record two lines of dialogue! :Evil Frat Boy #1: Are we ready to attack!? :Evil Frat Boy #2: We are! And many people will die! ---- :Joe: Peter, we are now literally standing on the boat. That's ho- :Cleveand: That's a poor choice of words for you, Joe. :Joe: That's, sigh, that's how close we are. ---- :Evil Frat Boy #2: Too bad about the bomb! :Cleveland: Bomb!? :Evil Frat Boy #2: Yep, right here on the boat. Soon, you will all do the foamy dance of death! :Evil Frat Boy #1: We are and many people will die! :Peter: He just says that one thing. ---- :Joe: Alright, frat boy, talk. I know you've recorded more dialogue. :Evil Frat Boy #2: Um, ... Are you ready to attack? :Joe: Aha! Before it was "are we ready to attack!" :Evil Frat Boy #2: Dammit. :Joe: Just cough it up. Where's the bomb? :Evil Frat Boy #2: You're wasting your time. The bomb will activate once the floor stops vibrating. :Evil Frat Boy #1: And many people will die! Trivia *Stewie, Meg, and Brian have no dialogue in this episode. Deleted Scenes *Alternate take on the Aiwa double-tape deck Waldorf and Statler joke. *Stewie wearing the pants from Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. *Peter saying that it's a good idea to put on stranger's hats. *Chris Collinsworth thanking Peter for being a veteran. *Cutaway of Peter buying a bottle of Newman's Own. *Kenny Loggins watching Family Guy with his daughter and an underage sex partner. *Alternate ending of Peter's YouTube video of him reuniting with Christian the Lion, where he says he has a homosexual partner as opposed to the lion clawing him to death. *Alternate take on the overhead bins Waldolf and Statler joke. *A court case, regarding the movie Ted 2. *A Roman crucifying Jesus Christ on his first day on the job. *Cutaway showing a literal metaphor of "a knead the dough basis". *The Beer Bar Buddies practicing doing double takes of seeing a bikini woman. *Peter having an awkward fave time conversation with Lois. *Chris Collinsworth returning for another gag. *Joe suggesting that he, Peter, and Cleveland urinate together in public. *Peter saying that they haven't found a day to visit the Epcot center. *Three cutaway gags to The Beer Bar Buddies eating at The Olive Garden and a callback from Quagmire. *Cleveland pulling off a Leroy Jenkins, while Peter and Joe try to make up a plan. *Video Game cutaway gag of Peter, Cleveland, and Joe fighting the evil frat boys. *Peter reminding Quagmire that he wrote gay stuff on a boat. *Peter mentioning the Epcot center again. *Alternate ending, where Quagmire saves Peter from the explosive jet ski with a hydraulic grapple wench. *Post-credits scene, where Peter calls everyone on the coast guard a bisexual. Category:Episodes Category:Season 16 Category:Peter Episodes Category:Quagmire Episodes